Sunday, 19 May 2013
Funny how we live for the moments where everything falls into place. Sitting outside and the trees perfectly align with the sky and the sunset falls just before the top of the tree ends. it looked like a painting. i loved it for a second, but then i get this fading feeling in my stomach, it's like an unsettling feeling of being letdown. you see, i've learned that real beauty isn't there unless it's behind something or was at first behind something terribly ugly...it has to pour before the sun comes out. sometimes there's years of ugly before anything beautiful is able to rise to the surface. this is my story.
they say holding back from crying and holding in your emotions is bad for you. i've heard it's "bad for the soul". maybe. maybe someone said those things in order to keep people from becoming hardened, and to wear their heart on their sleeve. or maybe it's to remember that it's okay to be vulnerable. like when i was seven and we'd watch My Dog Skip and i'd cry because the dog died at the end. seems self explanatory..but as you grow older you try to control when you cry, and train yourself how not to. most people think holding back your tears makes you seem stronger. i used to. crying is beautiful, i see it as a way of expressing what's in your soul without words, and really at the end of the day, how much are your words worth?
Mom taught me early to be "strong." i think out of all my years before she left i'd only seen her cry twice. she never had much emotion, she turned everything inward until her walls built up so high she had no choice but to let them come crashing down. even through hanging onto their marriage by a thread in the counseling room that day she looked my Dad dead in the eyes and said "i don't love you".. no emotion in her face. her eyes didn't flicker. at fifteen seeing that for me meant one very blatant thing..she wanted a divorce. but i figured out very quickly that showing no emotion in certain situations was to get attention. until she got the attention she wanted form my Dad she broke, and emotions came flooding, literally. unfortunately i stuck hard to the too strong to cry mode until i was about eighteen. i blame gaining her strongwilled side for that.
Dad was the pushover. i don't mean that in a bad sense, because after years of it he wised up and let it humble him instead of having angst toward her for making him always be the one to apologize, even when he did nothing wrong....i'll have to remember to thank her for that one day. he wore his emotions on his sleeve, most of which early in my life i saw to be anger. Mom always had a way of making him out to be the bad guy, and i abliged, because at the end of the day, it was her decision whether or not i got to go out that friday night. when people ask me What was your childhood like? i have a very adult sense of a childhood. there aren't many memories like you think their supposed to be when you're a kid... happy family, eating at the dinner table, church on sundays, everybody contributed. the three of us, (Jason, Kurt, and myself) spread out and went our own ways very early on in life, it's like we knew we all would end up in different states by the time were all twenty-five. Jason was always introvert, Kurt was extremely extrovert, and i was somewhere in between. i learned to observe rather than speak, almost like a speak when you're spoken to thing i ended up doing. there was no communication. ever. and whether my parents will admit it or not, there wasn't any communication between them either, for an (almost) thirty-two year long marriage. as a kid i remember playing the mediator. they'd get angry with eachother and then ask me who was right, forcing me to take sides. i guess i learned to play the counselour at an early age. on one of my many trips to rehab-one in particular, Pathway of Hope, saved their marriage. i like to think the seven months i spent in that facility was more for them than myself, but i guess we'll never know.
things weren't always bad. i LIVED for sunday school when i was young and church was like a second home to me, we were all one big family. and everything negative that may or may not have went on, i was oblivious to, because i was so involved with church. things seemed too good to be true at one point, and then bam one little thing started a domino affect, and my world just kept on tumbling. i'm not entirely sure what happened that sunday because i was quite little, but the jist of it was the pastor said something about the devil being on a womans heart in the service that morning, my parents had been fighting and Dad decided to say to my mom that the woman he was talking about was her. back then everything was so hush hush, so i never got the details, all i remember is that was the last day i ever saw most of those people i loved so much at that church, and the last time we ever went. my whole world was invested into that church, and i didn't realize just how much until i didn't have it anymore. i was thirteen when we switched to a different church. i had no desire to go to church anymore or be a part of it, in a way it felt like i lost my spark for living...so naturally i started experimenting with other things.
i didn't think i would ever end up being the type of person i had turned into, not in my wildest dreams. i started small (what seemed small), smoking and drinking at thirteen, and got involved with the most rediculous group of people, who were all atleast five years older than me. i got involved with a guy who was nineteen and just as out of control as i was, needless to say it wasn't a good mix. i was drinking almost every night that summer, and without recognizing how much i started to enjoy drinking, my love for alcohol ended up burying me into the ground for the following four years. i was continuously searching for acceptance and love from anyone who would give it to me, but i was so guarded and wouldn't let anyone in, so either way i would lose. i was slowly spiraling out of control and taking everyone down with me without knowing it. Mom went to work one day and i was the only one home, i remember feeling so angry and hopeless and feeling so bad for myself, and i couldn't stop crying. i decided that was it i was giving up, i couldn't do life anymore and i stumbled through the pills in the cabinet in the kitchen looking for anything to take me out of my misery. i ended up taking about fourteen ambien, a sleeping pill, and after realizing what i had done immediately regretted it and began to panic. i called my best friend at the time in a daze and half out of it tried to explain to her through my sobbing what i did. we were only thirteen, she didn't know what to do just as much as i didn't. next thing i remember i looked at the big clock in the living room and passed out. i woke up in the hospital the next morning to mom intently staring at me at the side of the bed, i didn't understand what was going on or why i was there. she explained what happened and said i'd be going to a mental health care facility for a while called forest view. to me that meant one thing, rehab for a week. i had been an outpatient for cutting myself at a different facility called pine rest, but outpaitent meant i didn't stay overnight, it was simply a couple hours long for a week and i sailed my way through and answered all the questions right to make them think i was back to normal, whatever that was. i met my roomate, who freely shared with me that she was in treatment for eating disorders and bipolar disorder. she had been there for thirty days and was twenty-three years old. i went to dinner with her and she refused to eat anything, so they escorted her to the counseling room, where she said they made her sit there until she'd agree to eat everything on her plate. i met everyone in my group the next morning, that's when i realized how serious the place really was. we introduced ourselves and told our "story". one girl tried to kill her parents with a kitchen knife, another girl had been beaten by her mom and ran away on several occasions. one really shook me up though...she was four years old and was confined to the padded cell room most the time so we never saw her, but when we did she was in the same chair, repeating the same thing about how the seed of chucky was chasing her. she was next to the medicine line where we all got in line to take our medicine. i tried to talk to her one day and the nurse yelled at me and explained to me that the little girl was too unstable to have conversations and was neglected by her father, who let her watch horror movies all the time. everyday she would scream and cry and run around the padded cell room, sometimes into the wee hours of the night. i'll never forget that girl...or any of the people i met in forest view, they were all a huge wake up call for me. after five days i got discharged and things were back to routine, i said i had changed but in my heart i knew nothing was different. at fourteen i got my first misdemeanor for stealing. i thought i was too slick to get caught, and going to the jail for community service scared the day lights out of me. but i continued stealing after that, nothing seemed to get through to me or bother me, i thought i was invincible.
perhaps the most eventful chapter of my life was Pathway of Hope, a residential treatment facility specifically for girls. i was barely fifteen, but i liked to act like i was an adult...just without the responsibilities. by that time i was at my worst. i was selling drugs at school, skipping school, detention, and in the midst of everything i was struggling behind the scenes with anorexia. that summer before school started i quit eating, deciding i was going to be accepted. by my friends, family-everyone. growing up i was tormented by my brothers and everyone else for my weight. i worked out excessively every night for about two hours, and had a specific schedule of what i coudl eat, and when i could eat it. i passed out several times...a few of which i never told my parents about. i was hospitalized the third time, and the doctor said my kidneys were failing, and it's very crucial that i stop working out like i was and i start eating correctly and start treating my body right so i could get healthy again. like i did with everything else, i dodged his advice and did what i wanted and went home that night and did the same routine i had every night before. understandably, my parents were afraid i was going to kill myself witht he things i was doing. that saturday i had detention at the highschool, they picked me up and little did i know they had somewhat of an intervention set up. it was around christmas, so they said we were going christmas shopping. i thought it was odd we were going shopping after i had just gotten out of saturday school detention...i was expecting more of an argument. i didn't think anything of it and thought they'd just given up on trying to get me to see their side anymore. we stopped at a Denny's, which was even weirder, because i knew my mom would never eat at Dennys, she was too much of a health freak. i got out fo the car and started walking towards the door and an old man, really tall and and intimidating looking stopped me halfway. he said, "I hear you've been having some trouble at home?" i didn't look at him, by then i knew exactly what was going on. my parents were dead quiet pulling suitcases out of the trunk, mom was crying. i was so angry i couldn't say anything to them, or anyone else. the man (who ended up being the director of the facility) explained to me what would happen. he said, "we can do this the easy way or the hard way, you can get in that white van and i won't have to arrest you, this can be easy" i started to turn around and he gently grabbed my wrist, probably thinking i was going to run...which i was thinking about doing. i decided to go the easy route and go, not that i really had a choice. i unwillingly half-hugged my parents goodbye, i still couldn't speak i was so angry with them, much less look at them. in the van there were two women in the front, who i later found out were two of the staff at the facility.
i ran away from home at sixteen, threw my stuff out the window and jumped out after it. after two months of drinking and partying i found myself empty ringing the doorbell, my mom already standing there waiting. i treated it just like any other day, made a pizza and fell asleep on the couch downstairs and woke up to an officer...atleast he waited until we got in the driveway to arrest me. i went into the juvenile detention center on a saturday, but i didn't see the judge until that monday. before i went in they put shackles and handcuffs on me. i'll never forget looking down at my feet and seeing myself in shackles and just sobbing. everything became real and intense at that moment, it was like i finally woke up. it was just mom, the judge and myself in the room. my parents went out of town for a week before they didn't know i had the extra key. i threw a few parties and took my moms car, which she still doesn't know about the car...i hadn't had my lisence yet. she found beer cans in the woods somehow and it was brought up in the courtroom. that was just another thing to add onto the pile of things to be taken into account for how long my sentencing would be. the judge bounced around from a month to ten days to ten to seven days if i had good behavior. i felt like i was getting babysat for seven days, except in a cell. that was the first time i really began to ponder where my life was headed. i knew i was headed for destruction. with nobody to talk to and four walls i cracked the bible open next to me and began to read. i read genesis, matthew, and revelations. i actually felt myself letting go of being so stubborn and i was apologetic for the emotional damage i had caused my parents. i felt myself moving in the right direction for once, and i had hope. the pastor at my old school visited me one of the days i was there. i started highschool in a small baptist school/church...it didn't workout, but i got close with pastor Jim. i felt encouraged and that after leaving i was closing that chapter and opening a different one-a successful one. i turned seventeen in juvi. they gave me a candy bar and i sat in my cell...happy birthday right?
they say getting divorced and losing your significant other is like your spouse dying. i guess we didn't see it coming. or maybe my dad did but intentionally kept himself in a state of denial to keep himself going. i can only try and put myself in his shoes living in a seperate state trying to keep a marriage going. somehow, i ended up following my dad more than my mom did. he was a state farm agent in arizona after losing his job in michigan, it was the only opportunity at the time. after a few months of being there the plan was to move the family down there. i ended up flying down by myself, mom didn't come for some reason. dad had been staying in a hotel room for the months that he had been there, he had his routine, his little refrigerator, and his own little world out there. i had a boyfriend back in michigan, and had no intention of moving there, so i saw it as a quick vacation and a visit with dad. i was only seventeen though, no direction no clue, a loser boyfriend and a rebellious attitude. arizona would have been good for me now that i look back on it. the day before i flew back my dad decided he wanted to quit and fly back with me on a wimb. totally unexpected. but sure enough he did and the journey for another job started for him back in the computer room at square one where he'd spent so many months searching before. from the age sixteen to nineteen all i can think of is a blur. a blur of moving from state to state and chaotic spurts here and there.
i try and rack my brain to remember the period of time between returning from arizona to moving to texas, but that too is a blur. things started to get really rough at that point i think. i had a group of friends i loved dearly though, i had finally found a bestfriend who i could relate to on a really close level, and was as laid back as i was on most levels. most my friends were guys, and i introduced liv to them and we were all inseperable..for all the wrong reasons mostly. we were always getting stoned and playing cards. everything seemed good for so long but we were all living such dead end lives and we were just trying to make the best of it. there was also david. him and i had a different bond i guess...he was the most important person there was to me. he had the power to put the sunshine in my day or make it rain, and he had no idea. i never told him how i felt, and looking back it would have been a mistake to at that time in our lives. i held myself back from letting him know in any way my feelings towards him. it got harder though as i started to get to know him deeper and love who he was...the good and the bad. lord knows there was alot of bad too..but i was no jem myself. davids family had a way of making me feel like i mattered. like there was a place i could go to where i could just get grounded and collect all the pieces..it reminded me that i was gonna be okay. it seemed like no matter what rocks were thrown at me at that time in my life david could bring back my smile. looking back i don't understand why i looked at him the way i did. he wasn't anything special, had nothing going for him, and absolutely nothing to offer. but the little things had me wrapped up. i tried so ard to give up on him and forget how much i cared for him, but everything always came back to him. i have to remember to thank him for being such a blessing through that short rough patch in my life. i had moved in and out of five different places within the course of probably seven or eight months...he had a way of smoothing out the bumps in my life at that time.
i moved to houston when i was eighteen, mom couldn't handle me anymore. something inside of her just gave up. it's like her light went out. her love for my dad wasn't there anymore and she became so negative. before houston i was at my roughest, between my aunts and grandmas working a pizza joint while my dad tried to figure out what to do with me. i came to a crossroads and decided houston was my best bet. i hopped on a flight and houston seemed like a big breathe of fresh air and sunshine and a chance for me to really live to my full potential. i was so excited and full of joy. i started off strong and had a few interviews and joined a cake decorating class..but i had this little empty spot in my heart, and i missed david more than i could ever tell him. he and i talked everyday and grew closer, and i flew back a few times over the course of the two or more months that i was there. i woke up to dad one morning sitting over me on the living room coffee table. i sat up and asked him what he wanted..i thought it was going to be another typical "get a job" conversation we had so many times before, and it always started that way. but this was different. he couldnt quite get his words out. i searched him for some emotion but his face was blank and i don't think i had ever seen him look so lost. he finally said, "tori mom cleaned out my bank accounts, we need to get you home" he was so melancholy and relaxed i laughed a little bit, i didn't know if i should take him seriously. i woke up a little more and it hit me. i called liv and then david and i was on a flight home within two days, dad came with to figure out finances. we were expecting mom to be at the house when we got there, but instead arrived to an empty house, everything missing but some silverware a couch and a lamp. i was so in shock i couldn't really get any words out to anyone for a few days. dad stayed for about a week to try and rehash anything with their marriage, divorce papers were served to the house the same week unexpectedly. i have never in my entire life seen my dad so speechless. my mom took a big piece of him that day that i'll never see in him again. i miss the old him in so many ways...
i ended up living in limbo between aunt nay and uncle terrys and my house for good three or four months. living in my family house where i grew up, by myself, was probably one of the weirdest situations i've ever been thrown into. i thought i was so strong up until that time in my life. i started to have severe anxiety and panic attacks and could never figure out how to hang out with someone without feeling like i was going to have an attack for no reason. whenever i explained myself nobody understood. i found myself in grand rapids alot at my cousins, which was a terrible way for me to try and escape from everything. at that point i had given up on david. i loved him in so many ways, but he was so immature and bounced from girl to girl and i started to lose interest. i met jonathon in grand rapids through my cousin kristins girlfriend. he was quite a bit older than me, which instantly attracted me to him. he was witty and charming and had a way of giving me his complete undivided attention like i was the only person in the world he ever wanted to listen to. even the way the relationship started off was unhealthy. we were very open with eachother that we were dating a few other people but liked eachother. so while we devoted ourselves to other relationships we were cheating on them with eachother. it was such a web of lies and jealousy and confusion. we seemed to get more and more involved with eachother, and he ended up staying at the house with me for about two weeks or so. i felt like i was married in the house my parents raised ME in, but something about it was comfortable. he too struggled with anxiety and i needed someone around who understood me and he wanted to take care of me and make sure i was okay. he got me through alot, but it was for all the wrong reasons. i was dating four other guys at the same time, all of which were much older than me. i meshed with their maturity levels alot better than those who were younger, so i put david on the backburner, but at the end of the day no matter which guy i was with i just wanted david to be there for me. but he never was.
jonathon and i's relationship was so toxic and twisted and revolved around drugs and games, on top of me finding out he was married with two kids..my conscience couldn't handle it anymore. after it was over with him and i, i felt like a free bird. i dropped all the other guys and somehow expected david to pick up right where we left off months before. needless to say i don't think he saw it that way...
i remember specifically one night me and david went to a bonfire at our friends beach. everything was so perfect that night. the fire, the smell of the beach, the waves crashing. david was holding me around the fire and a few of our friends were there. everyone was laughing and very much alive. it was such a beautiful night. that night something really took off between us. it was like everything we wanted to say for so long came out in actions instead, and we didn't even really need to say anything. but there was a huge problem with the timing...dad had just taken a job in cleveland and we finally sold the house and i was supposed to move within a few days after that night. the timing couldn't have been any more wrong. regardless of the distance, we decided we were gonna be together, and the distance wouldn't affect us. but sure enough about a month in i think we both took a step back and realized what we really got ourselves into. he stayed a weekend in cleveland and i think that really woke both of us up to the fact that i really didn't live in michigan anymore. we ended things, but still acted like we were together. it wasn't even a month and we were back on. no matter how much we tried to go our seperate ways there was like an invisible magnet that wouldn't allow it. we were crazy about eachother.
around august we moved out of the apartment into a house on the other side of town in cleveland. i had been visiting about every other weekend, but david and i were going steady, we were so happy but all i wanted was stability in my OWN life and a future. it concerned me that david didn't want to talk about moving forward. after ten months things got rough with the distance and i knew i couldn't continue to have him if i wasn't home. i'm not sure if i moved home out of fear of losing him more or just familiarity with my hometown, even though i had lost ties with half of my friends if not almost all of them since i'd given my life to God. what i didn't realize is i still depended on david more than i depended on God, i was blinded by him. i drove to michigan for an interview with UPS and got it on the spot. i was ecstatic and so thankful God had provided this for me. i got into an apartment downtown down the block from work and i was living on top of my cousin who had dogs handy for me to snuggle with when i needed, and a boyfriend close by. i thought i had it made.
david and i were so happy. i had fallen more in love with him and grown so much closer with his family. i thought things were going smoothly at work but i was being trained by three different people and things started to get confusing...so eventually my boss said it wasn't working out because i didn't start off on the right foot. i didn't understand, if God braught me this far and things were looking up why would he allow thing to fall apart so quickly. i picked up another job two days later but it was under the table and i couldn't afford anything with what they were giving me. david and i started arguing more and more..not just arguments though, serious fights that escalated before i could blink it felt like. he gave up on me so easily every single time. i kept reeling him in, i was scared, and i realized he was the reason i had moved home. my motives were wrong from the beginning and it took the hard stuff and the tough fights to make me see it. God spoke to me, finally, after months of me reaching out asking for answers on what to do about david, he told me to let go. i ignored and pushed the thoughts of ending things with him aside for four months or so, and one day we got into such a bad argument he said some very hurtful things to me and said he never loved me and he was done..there were a few fights like this towards the end so i didn't think it was really over. he left and i felt it sink in and it hurt so badly but at the same time i felt so much relief come over me. still, i called him balling asking him if he really meant it..he said he did...i hopped in my car and went to talk, i wasn't going to let a year and a half worth of work go out like that. i was so hurt i couldn't talk once i got there. we were both so out of words to say, out of apologies, there was nothing left and we knew it but neither of us knew how to let go. but i felt something great, i felt freedom.
i finally had obeyed Gods command for me. i had forgotten i went for a walk a few days previously and i had made plans to go line dancing with this guy, caleb. i had no interest in him at first, but things were falling part with david and caleb was respectful..and i mean truly respectful, and i guess i forgot what that looked like for a while. i was curious about someone else, which wasn't a good sign either for david and i. i talked to david for a minute and told him we'll see where things go but i was so hurt i wasn't sure if i wanted to keep doing this. caleb texted me while i was there and asked if we were still on for hanging out..looking back i think that was Gods way out for me :) i decided to go line dancing with him on one condition...we'd get pie first. i decided before i went out my intentions would be strictly friends and i threw myself together wiped the mascara off my face and headed out. boy did God throw me for a loop....i had the most incredible night with him. there seemed to be so much to talk about, we laughed, he was understanding, we sang in the car together, it felt like i'd known him all my life. all i kept thinking was wow God, is THIS what you've had in store for me this whole time? if only i'd have done Gods will sooner..but God knew and his timing was perfect. more than perfect. we sat on the pier for hours talking..it felt so natural and we were so transparent with eachother. the way he intently listened to me made me feel so special, it was like there was nobody else around us. we went line dancing and i felt unusually comfortable with him..we danced and i wanted to kiss him... i knew i shouldn't, but it didn't feel too soon, it felt right. i told him i wanted to kiss him and he said it wasn't a good idea..but he changed his mind pretty quick. he kissed me and i had butterflies and i felt like flying a little.. he felt so firmiliar.
Everything felt like a movie. it was too good to be true honestly...i had expectations of the moment my bubble would be popped, i wish i'd have enjoyed the time being before it, as expected, did pop. he included me in everything... every holiday, family gathering, he reminded me every time there was a predicament in my family that i was his family and it would be okay. i could hardly wrap my head around that word...family. all that replayed in my head was the version of family that i have. his family treated me as if i was one of their own. everything caleb or renae got, i got. of course i never expected anything. at easter they recieved easter baskets from their parents and gave me one as well. i tried really hard to hide my how elated i was that they would give me something when they didn't have to. it was the same with christmas...they gave me everything they gave to renae or caleb. Something that seemed so small to them was so huge to me. all that kept replaying in my head was the christmas morning my brother had to come pick me up from a friends house because my mom had kicked me out two weeks prior. he had to convince them that it was the right thing to have all of the family together, after all it was christmas. i had taken a few hits of acid, quite a bit of xanax and drank the night before, and all i remember is going home to no presents, my mom said that i didn't deserve any that year. funny how karma works...or maybe just how God works. God blessed me with a kind hearted man and an even more gracious and loving family..and presents from them!
Monday, 08 April 2013
baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah i'm trying to do everything in my power not to go dive into the bag of chocolate in the kitchen. wah. running feels so nice again...i can't even describe how spectacular i feel when i complete a run now...mostly because it takes more effort since it's been since november that i've consistently ran 5 miles a day. so relieving. lately i've realized that the friends i have closest to me have been my friends for Years now...liv caitlin kayla lex...so many long talks and love and experiences with all of them. but liv and caitlin aren't christians and their closest by. i miss kayla so dearly...she'll always hold a special spot in my heart. God has really helped me to not feel so lonely lately. i don't always feel the need to replace my family with other people..or even to replace them with caleb. it's easy to because of how close him and i are. but then God reminds me he's here with me always and i'm never alone, and i can take a deep breathe and relax. i feel so old. i ask myself whyyy in the friggin world i would wanna be married by 21...i'm 20 and have the whole world all around me to go explore. but i don't wanna do it alone...there's no joy in that. i'm concerned about kurt..all the time he crosses my mind and i say little prayers. I pray he's finding Jesus in all the suffering he's enduring on his own. He won't accept much of the encouragement i extend to him and i've got my own battles to fight, i just wish we could help eachother figure those battles out together. i had such a weird day today..i felt so quiet and alone. kyle annoys the bananas out of me usually but today i enjoyed conversation with him, although it was short. he has such an unexposed innocent mind it seems. he's light and airy and bright eyed and a very loving guy just trying to get his nitch and dig his feet in the dirt. i admire it in some ways. i look around and wonder why certain people are placed in my life or why certain people stay. i know there's reasons why, but it's interesting to me. i feel like i'm 55. wake up and all i want is my flavor of the day, devotions and the peace and quiet. i've lost so much in the past couple years, it's made me more grateful and has reminded and allowed me to enjoy the moment i'm in. in the past two years i've had more seclusion than i've ever had. it's changed me, and i'm still trying to figure out how. it's had it's benefits, and it's taught and revealed so much about God to me which i'm forever grateful for. i feel like i always wanna go home, but i don't know where home is. sometimes it reminds me of that song kayla and i talked about, that this is not our home and our home is with Jesus. i feel an empty spot that i need to pray for God to heal inside of me, a hole that was created when my family fell apart. one thing i know for sure...i'm growing. and thank God. for so long i felt like a broken record on repeat of complaints and tainted prayers. Jesus has filled those voids. sometimes i think people see me as this mysterious woman who miraculously grew up out of the middle of no where and washed everything and everyone out of my life. it's like i snapped my fingers and i swapped my life with someone elses. i used to be so different. i find myself missing little things...selfish things of course, of who i used to be. but i can truly say that God did a 180 on me and everyday i learn more and more who i am through him. it's a beautiful journey. i only pray that he'll use me for his glory in ways that will unmask more of the mystery of who he is to me, and to others. I just love my Jesus!
Goodness. it feels like i can finally take a deep breathe from life. God has blessed me with a wide range of opportunities...which seriously, praiseeeeee hiiiiiiiim..i feel like it's been a long haul. i'm into my new place...so far so good. as far as i'm concerned anywhere with a washer and dryer is top notch. I feel so much better now that i'm in a new place. it's refreshing and God definitely gave me more than i deserved with this place. the sun's been out lately and i can't seem to quit walking around with a smile on my face. funny how summer comes around and i turn back into cinderella. sometimes i could just cry lately....God has done so much for me. he's done more than i could have imagined in such a short amount of time. i have my good days as far as family wise goes..and i have my bad. sometimes i close my eyes and have flashbacks of certain vacations when i was a kid, or just happy moments i shared with my family. it's almost starting to feel like a figment of my imagination. i'm not sure if i've come to a realization with the divorce and family sitch, or if i'm at a peace point. either way, i feel like i've somewhat swallowed that pill for what it was. i'm better away from my family, as horrible as that is. it'd be interesting to have someone..an outsider...pick apart my family and tell us all why everything went wrong. maybe i'll ask God someday when i see him. calebs home again for three months, which has already been a learning experience. we went out this weekend and got into it a little, but the outcome was posotive...i love him so much because we can always learn from what we have tiffs about. we don't backtrack, and it always feels progressive. i can't put it into words..but never have i felt so much contentment with someone like i do with him. we tried a new church this morning. big moves. good news though and thumbs up all around. amazing selection of young people and you just couldn't help but feel Gods presence take over.. i'd love to continue going there. i feel like i've learned so much by being with caleb. i feel an assurance from God sometimes-sometimes i could just cry from how much love his family has shown me i feel overwhelmed because i don't understand why they like me. my own family doesn't like eachother. i know his family treats me the way a normal family is supposed to treat eachother but there's just so much kindness and love i don't know what to make of it. i feel like it's what i always wanted for my family it just never happened. lately i feel so embarrassed for not wanting him to leave when he stays with me. i just want him around all the time. it's comfortably weird because i feel as though i'm already married to him. i love our relationship and closeness with jesus more than anything. it's unlike anything else and makes me feel that much deeper of a connection with him. i'm tearing up just thinking about it and so thankful to God for such a blessing as bringing us together. all i can think is i...just don't deserve this. but at the same time i'm screaming FINALLY!!!!!!!!! this is what i've been waiting for! i'm at a place in my life where i feel like i'm going in the direction God is leading me towards. i won't lie though...if the opportunity came my way i wouldn't pass a time machine by to fly to next year. i feel like..for the first time in my life.....i really know what it feels like to be in love. and in the way that God intended for me to be. unity for his glory. it's stupid how much i miss him when he's not with me. sometimes i'm really afraid of getting too close too quick..i wish i had guidelines for that.
ma vida loca
Tuesday, 19 March 2013
i cant trust him. why is it that i entrust myself to people that can't keep a simple secret. it's common sense! i'm dissapointed but i'm not surprised. i always get let down. i'm so irritated with him. he thinks i'm going to forgive so easily. i don't even want to. one of the biggest things for me in a relationship is trust. he's misused it. not just that-but he lied to me about it. things like this make me want to completely ignore him. when he apologizes it doesnt even seem real or genuine. i need a job. desperately. i also need to have a boyfriend who gives me a reason to respect him. trust is HUGE for me..i can't say it enough. i feel like living in a fraternity has made trust a smaller matter to him, like it doesnt matter anymore because all the guys in the fraternity talk about one another and he just expects it. does he expect the same form me? i can't help but wonder. his expectations are interesting and misleading at times. the way he talks to me sometimes i just want to ziplock his mouth..like yesterday i had to remind him not to talk to me the way he was talking to me-in front of his friends. if i do it in front of his friends it has more of an embarrassment factor to it so he gets the picture faster....men 101. i should really teach a class i think sometimes. given, God has taught me alot through and with being with Caleb. in a few hours itll be time for bed and then time to drive home and deal with all this stuff face to face. needless to say im not excited. i'll miss him so dearly. but space is neccessary.
Thursday, 14 March 2013
I feel like God is providing. I ran away to flint....and while i'm away things have seemed to figure themselves out. God is proving me wrong again. I love it when he does though...it reminds me how small i am. my brother is going through so much i wish i could take his place...he needs to come home. desperately. being in a stable relationship for this long is an unusual feeling, i wish i could explain it. my automatic desire is to move on but it feels so natural. the thing is i feel like i'm so good to caleb and he doesn't treat me the same way in return. i'm trying to be as understanding as i can with him and know that the stresses of school have a ginormous affect on his attitude..but still. i love hanging out here with all the guys.
i miss cleveland sometimes. going into the rocky river and running through the trails. i had nothing to worry about and everything to gain. life's moved so quick. i miss exploring new places there and getting lost in the city and having no concept of time..there was no time frame. life just gradually went. i miss my dad being a dad there...it was so nice to get to know him more, the little of his personality that shone through. i feel God moving through me to help my family..not entirely sure what he's doing but i feel that i'm doing something good. but of course i can't put my finger on it. i'm not supposed to be able to right? :)
as i sit here and the sun kisses my face through the window, i feel like things are finally going in my favor. but only for now, i know it'll change. but in this moment it's nice. really really nice.
the most beautiful things in life are hidden in corners.....go on, find them